There was a child named Idweg who was always curious and always believed what his parents said always. He tried to swallow his toothpaste until his parents told him his tongue would grow spots and fall off, and he never swallowed his toothpaste again. He ate the seeds of fruits until his parents told him the seeds would sprout in his stomach and explode him, so he never ate fruit seeds again, even of strawberries or blackberries or kiwis. He asked his mom what “damn” meant and got a big ol’ slap across his face, and was told to never say that naughty word again, so he didn’t, and he smacked other little children who said damn, too.
Idweg asked his mother where babies came from and learned that they are delivered by God when two people love each other very much. Idweg asked why he couldn’t kiss mom like dad kissed mom and learned that each person can only kiss one other person like dad kisses mom. Idweg asked his mother why people die and his mother explained that it’s because they didn’t listen to their parents.
Idweg took all these points very seriously. Idweg was homeschooled, so his parents were the source of all knowledge. As long as he listened to his parents he did not get punished, and he kept getting fed. As long as Idweg listened to his parents, life was not too hard. Whenever he ignored their advice, life became harder. This was a simple truth, really the only truth worth knowing. For a while Idweg and his family were content. The sky is blue because the stars are in an ocean, swimming. The sun is bright because God doesn’t want people looking at it. Children are small so they can fit into children’s clothes. Everything made sense.
One day, Idweg was out shopping with his parents, and as they walked through the parking lot to get back to the family van, a tuck ignored a stop sign and drove right over Idweg’s mom and dad, snapping them both in half. They lay twisted, leaking their insides out between screams. Idweg asked if there was anything he could do, and his mom screamed, loud at first, so Idweg screamed loud. Then his mom screamed softly, and Idweg screamed softly. Then his mom went to sleep, and Idweg fell asleep. When he woke up his parents were gone and he was in a car with two police officers. When he asked what happened to his parents, the officers sadly informed him his parents had died. Idweg opined that they must not have listened to their parents, and probably deserved it. The officers exchanged a glance and fell silent for the remainder of the journey.
Idweg was taken into a foster home and wrote out a little book full of all the truths that his parents told him, so that he didn’t get snapped in half. Idweg always double knotted his shoes and never broke his ankles. Idweg always washed his bellybutton and bugs never crawled out of it. Idweg always let little girls through the door before himself, and made sure he locked every door by testing the knob after closing it. Idweg was a perfect child. But not to his foster parents.
Idweg would drink all the milk in the house so his bones would not break like china teacups. Idweg would kick little puppies who were sniffing at his shoes, to keep their poopy butts away. Idweg would apologize for every little fart, even if no one heard it, because God hears farts. When he reached the age of 18, his foster parents turned him out, incapable of teaching him anything because Idweg already had the answers, written lovingly in his big book.
So Idweg got a job at the local grocer’s bagging foods for customers, because touching money was dirty. Idweg stayed as a grocery store bagger because a stable income is more important than a fancy job. Idweg never tried for management because telling people what to do is bad unless they want to do it. No one likes a little Hitler.
Idweg lived in a small apartment and watched the news every night because it is important to know what the news has to say. He listened to God’s radio station and ate approved foods. Idweg tried to fall in love but no one wanted to fall in love with him, which was their choice, that was fine. Idweg never kissed anyone like a mom and dad, and that was okay, that was fine. But one night, when he was 42, Idweg accidentally swallowed a little toothpaste and gasped and gagged, but the toothpaste was already down, and he could not make himself vomit, because nobody likes a Pukey Peggy. He waited an anxious week, shaking at work, unable to sleep, but his tongue didn’t grow spots and fall out. Shocked, one day he ate toothpaste straight out the tube, and still nothing happened. Doubt formed in Idweg’s graying head.
Idweg bought a whole basket of blackberries in a calculated test. It seemed many people ate blackberries and did not die. And if Idweg could have been eating toothpaste all along, what else could he have been doing?
Idweg ate the basket of blackberries, cautiously at first, then excitedly. So excitedly, in fact, that one got lodged in his windpipe. No one was around to help him. Idweg laid on the floor with a little smile, turning red, then blue, and thought his last thought, “Ah, I should’ve listened to my parents!”
Then Idweg died.
